Category Archives: Self-Esteem

Why do Girls Apologize for Everything? Stop Saying You’re Sorry!

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Why do girls apologize for everything? Stop saying you’re sorry!

When a person says they are sorry, they are telling someone that they are remorseful.  The message sent is that they feel badly for what they have done.  The word sorry isn’t hard to say for many people, but for some people, mainly young women, they seem to say sorry way too often. The big question is….Why do young girls feel it is necessary to say sorry for things that don’t require an apology?  images-1

Generally speaking, girls are typically more apologetic than boys, but it doesn’t mean they are any more remorseful. Girls seem to give out apologies within the broader context of a conversation, where boys typically do not. There is also a cultural expectation that girls will be more accommodating than boys, and sadly many girls live up to that expectation. Overtime, apologies become repetitive, habit-forming and expected by others. Girls can lose sight of why they are even apologizing.

Now, when it comes to excessive apologizing, girls tend to read into things very differently than boys.  They will over analyze their actions and words wondering how they are perceived by others. Carefully calculating their word choice while looking for verbal cues of acceptance. If they don’t see those verbal cues of acceptance, that’s when “sorry” comes into play. It’s a very critical way of viewing oneself that can produce anxiety and sometimes low self-esteem.

Although there may be nothing to apologize for, young girls will use sorry like a verbal crutch to fill space and feel more secure. As one article points out, women sometimes say sorry a lot because they view it as being polite.  If a girl hears the excessive use of sorry by their female role model, they too will adopt it as an acceptable form of politeness. Kids learn early on that saying sorry can help calm things down quickly, or defuse difficult situations. Do girls subconsciously believe that apologizing will help prevent disruption? Is this their way of minimizing or avoiding conflict? When this behavior is observed and accepted by adults, they too are condoning the excessive use of the word. Parents have a responsibility to step in and look at their own use of the word sorry and help their daughters (and sons) understand when to use it appropriately.

Remember, apologizing is confirming that you have done something wrong. Within the proper context, this can be a very brave thing to do. However, constantly saying “sorry” sends out a message that you aren’t a confident individual.

Girls can break the pattern of unnecessary apologizing by taking a few small steps:

  • Pay attention to how many times you apologize in a day. Under what circumstances do you tend to apologize?
  • Make sure you know what you are apologizing for and why before apologizing.
  • Become aware of your pattern. If you realize you are about to apologize for something that doesn’t require an apology,  STOP! Do not apologize. Find the appropriate words.
  • Do not avoid conflict by apologizing; however, if you really messed up, then apologizing is the right way to go.

Girls need to stop saying sorry out of habit, guilt, or accommodation. Apologies should only be given when deserved.  The result, a more confident and strong young woman.

 

Bullying: A Proactive Approach for Parents

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Excerpt from my recent article for The Five Moms Blog

The face of teen bullying has really changed over the years. It’s not restricted to the old image of a bully in the cafeteria or on the bus that calls you names to your face or picks a physical fight with you. It can be a group ignoring your child, avoiding them or acting like they are invisible. With social media, it’s even easier to bully via Facebook, texts, tweets, etc. Cyberbullies can be sneaky these days. They might hide their identity – sharing damaging photos of your child, leaving anonymous comments or targeting their victims in other indirect ways. For some teens, telling mom and dad that they are being bullied, doesn’t feel like an option. It makes it more real and they don’t know how their parents are going to respond, so they often decide to keep it to themselves.

Here are three pieces of advice:

  1. Practice assertiveness training techniques with your kids at home. It can be tied to a game, a healthy debate or a dinner conversation. Use bullying as the main topic and let the conversation naturally unfold. Starting with a question usually helps. “What does bullying look like these days?” Or, if your child wants a more private experience, encourage them to practice assertiveness in front of their bedroom mirror. Have them stare their reflection straight in the eyes as they speak. Give them some language if they don’t know what to say. Practicing NO is always a good start. “No, you can’t look at my homework.” “No, I’m not listening to you.” “No, I’m not doing that.” As they say it to the mirror, have them focus on their tone. Sometimes how you say something is even more powerful than the actual words you say. Then they can more comfortably transfer these techniques to an actual bullying situation.

To read more click here.

 

Why do we Blame the Victim?

Posted in Articles for Parents, General Health, Self-Esteem by

self-esteemand teen bullyingWhy do we blame the victim?

Every two and a half minutes a woman is sexually assaulted, and the risk is four times greater for, teens between the ages of 15-19.  This is a very scary statistic and means every teenage girl is susceptible to sexual assault.  The definition of sexual assault is so broad that it can be misunderstood and leave victims feeling confused, guilty and ashamed.  What is even sadder, 70% of the victims know their assailant.  But what makes sexual assault even more destructive is the high percentage of victims that are blamed for their attack.  Sadly, family members and friends are often first to blame the victim.  They are easily persuaded by doubt, or be convinced the victim asked for the assault based on their knowledge of the victim. This is called victim blaming.

Victim blaming in relation to sexual assault happens quite often.  An assault is committed and the victim is blamed for the crimes.  Sometimes the victim blaming rears its head in very subtle ways.  Friends, neighbors and the local community may respond to the victim by either ignoring them, and treating them like an outcast, or verbally attacking the victim.  Sadly, victim blaming doesn’t stop there, professional workers that should be on the side of the victim, including doctors, lawyers and the media, have doubts about the victim’s story or believe that the attack is somehow justifiable.  People are often convinced that the victim deserved the treatment or asked for it.  This kind of treatment is wrong and it can be very hurtful and leave the victim feeling alone and depressed.

The reality of victim blaming for sexual assault plagues thousands of women but is most common among teens.  Teens are very fragile and impressionable and can easily be influenced, and convinced that maybe they are the ones to be blamed for their assault or abuse.  After all, if everyone believes it is their fault, then maybe they did ask for the attack or even deserved the attack.  This is victim blaming at its worst because now not only does everyone believe it is the victims fault, but the victim believes it too, and the saddest part of the crime is the assailant or criminal is never punished and get away with what they have done.

Women and teens of sexual assault don’t just get better, especially when victim blaming is involved.  There is a lot of mental and emotional damage that has been done and because many have blamed the victim, and even the victim has blamed herself, she never gets the help that is needed.  A lot of teens end up carrying the incident all of their life and for many teens, this can have negative effects on their future. It can lead to depression, low self-esteem and self inflicted violence such as cutting. Many victims cannot have functional or healthy relationships with people especially men.  Others may be so damaged by the assault and being blamed that they just don’t recover and struggle to live a normal and healthy life.

The bottom line is, nobody deserves to be sexually abused or assaulted, and the brutal attack of women and teens is never asked for or deserved.  The victim should never be persuaded or convinced that their behaviors asked for the assault or they deserved it.  It doesn’t matter the circumstance, an unwanted or unwelcome sexual assault is a crime that has the fingerprints of the assailant all over it and never the victim.

Victims need to get through their assault by getting help and there is help available that can restore them mentally and emotionally and help them to move forward.  Here’s is a great website  and a great resource for parents and teens to learn more.