Tag Archives: self-esteem

Why Sarah Cuts. (The ugly side of low self-esteem)

Posted in Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image, Self-Esteem by


My interview with a 16 year old cutter.

She is a 16 year old girl with the lowest self-reported self-esteem of any girl I interviewed for my book.  She had tears in her eyes the entire interview and she nearly broke my heart. I found myself struggling between interviewing her and counseling her. She didn’t see herself as smart or pretty, good at sports or anything else really. She suffers from a very bad case of negative self-talk that’s alive and well living inside her. She told me that whatever she does, she hears an inner voice telling her she isn’t good enough and to quit, which she does every time. Because of this, she can’t stick to anything long enough to get good at it, experience success and then build confidence. This is a huge factor contributing to her very low self-esteem.  It has a paralyzing effect on her and has perpetuated an unnatural fear in her for anything new. She says her friends are starting to get tired of her negative attitude and they think that she is constantly fishing for compliments. She is pushing her friends away, which makes her inner voice (or saboteur) very happy. We talked about how she was bullied in middle school for being over weight, having braces and wearing glasses… all at the same time. She has never fully recovered from the way she was treated back then, even though she has blossomed into a beauty swan. She acquired an eating disorder freshman year of high school and based on our conversation, it seems that she still struggles with anorexia. She still sees that girl from middle school when she looks in the mirror and still hears the kids calling her names. More upsetting is the cutting. She told me that she “used to cut” herself, as a way to deal with stress in her life and probably because of the self hate. In her words, it’s a way to release stress and anger. Not to mention, the inner saboteur tells her to do it. She doesn’t have a close relationship with her mother and feels it’s partially her mom’s fault for her being bullied in middle school.  She feels her mom is the direct reason why she was overweight. In addition, they fight about school work. In her words, homework seems more important to Sarah than it does to her mother. The more mom pushes her to join the family, the more this teen pulls away.  Sarah is looking for independence, but is being challenged with family pressure to be  more like them. These pressures lead to more cutting. Getting good grades seems to be the only way she feels good about herself right now, although it’s generally fleeting. Her mom doesn’t understand the sadness and negative thoughts that circle her mind, so Sarah has stopped trying to tell her about them. This is a difficult relationship brewing between mother and daughter that is far from over.

How Volunteering Leads to Higher Self-Esteem

Posted in Self-Esteem by

Many teens today do have healthy self-esteem.  I find teens that engage in one of 3 specific activities to have the highest self-esteem and the most positive self-regard. Theses activities center around doing for others and/or have a higher purpose beyond self.

1) Working— Having a job can be a powerful tool to build one’s self-esteem.  It promotes responsibility, dependability, people (depending on the job) look to you for help or information and the reward is the power of knowledge and ultimately a pay check.  I remember one teen telling me that she loved her job at a scarf shop because people were always asking her advise on colors and styles and sometimes buying the scarfs that she picked out.  It made her feel important and valued, which boosted her self-esteem.

2) Volunteering—Teens that volunteer and move beyond their comfort zone, see how much they really do have. They gain a healthy perspective on their life and reflect on how fortune they are. Some teens with the highest self-esteem engage in volunteer activities with a parent.  It becomes “their thing” to do weekly or one saturday a month.  It leads to real conversations about the world, life, happiness and the importance of charity. My hat goes off to all the mom’s and dad’s who engage in volunteer activities with their children.  It pays off more than you realize.  You are raising compassionate, giving, well-adjusted teens, who lead by your example. Remember, long-term consistency is key here.

3) Playing a Sport– Teens that are trained athletes and/or play on sports teams tend to have higher self-esteem.  There is something very powerful in pushing oneself further that you expect you can go to realize what you’re made of.  The concept of being part of a team and striving toward something together creates a sense of belonging and pride, kind of like a family. You have others counting on you, expecting you to give your all for the good of the team. It becomes much more than physical fitness or ability, it leads to mental and emotional growth as well. Looking beyond yourself for the good of the team strengthens maturity, confidence and  self-esteem.

How to Rebuild Your Self-Esteem

Posted in Self-Esteem, Tip of the Week by

Self-esteem is basically how we see ourselves in relation to others. It’s not fixed, which means it’s changeable. We all have good days and bad days, but every day is a new opportunity for changing or repairing our self-esteem. To treat ourselves right.  Here are just 5 quick tips that will help repair your self-esteem.

1. Have a positive outlook

Wake up telling yourself all the good things in your life before getting out of bed. Literally….  Don’t allow negative thoughts in as you lay there, push them out.  If it helps, say all the good things out-loud, then get out of the bed.  Every day it will get easier and easier and you will feel yourself waking up with more things to share and a more positive attitude. Acknowledge and stop the negative thoughts about yourself before the day gets started.

2. Challenge yourself once a week 

I don’t care if it’s trying a new activity, cooking a foreign meal or going somewhere you have never  been.  This helps us stretch our world and opens up our mind to more possibilities and opportunities. This type of action builds upon itself and you will find your challenges getting more and more bold or daring.  Ultimately, your self pride will grow.

3. Do something scary

I don’t mean walk down any dark allies at nigh, but I do mean take a risk!  Try zip lining….. say hi to a boy you have never talked to of run for class officer. You will be surprised by how amazing it feels after you have accomplished the action. You will experience a natural high similar to the one runners experience.  It’s a great uplifting feeling and it’s addictive.  You’ll be looking for the next big challenge.

4. Share your thoughts/feelings with your parents or close friends

Yes, this can also constitute as something scary, but this time it’s verbal action not physical action. A lot of teens don’t tell others about their worries or serious concerns.  They don’t think parents want to hear it and/or they don’t trust their friends with truly personal matters.  Take a chance…… share your feelings.  You will be surprised by how the information is received by your family and friends. It will bring you closer and you will feel a sense of relief for getting something off your chest, not to mention your level of trust in others will increase.

5. Stop engaging in negative activities that bring you down

Don’t hang around with people who put you down or don’t treat you right. They have no room in your life.  Stop mistreating your body with poor sleep, processed foods and no physical exercise. These things do affect your mood which in turn, affects your self-esteem whether you realize it or not. If you don’t think that you are worth it, no one else will either.