Tag Archives: teens

Self Sabotage: The Biggest Enemy of Healthy Self-esteem

Posted in General Health, Self-Esteem by

Self sabotage is your mind’s way of working against you for no logical reason.  Basically, it stems from unconscious beliefs that you are unworthy of happiness and/or success.  Low self-esteem is directly linked to self-sabotage because it reinforces those negative thoughts and controls what you believe you can achieve and puts a limit on how much.  Self sabotage can be reversed. It just takes figuring out the triggers, implementing the proper tools and consistently changing those negative thought patters.

Let’s call the inner person doing this damage (or sabotage) the saboteur.  Give the saboteur a name and create a visual so you know who you are combating when those negative thoughts come into your head.  Only you have the power to make the saboteur big or small, strong or weak, because you are the one allowing him or her to feed you with negative thoughts.

So how do you deal with self-sabotage?  First, you need to identify how you’re sabotaging yourself. Usually, the saboteur presents him or herself in the form of negative self-talk.  Examples: You can’t do it, you’re not smart enough, you aren’t thin enough, you will never get what you want, etc. The way we talk to ourselves started a long time ago when we were children and so it’s hard to change, but not impossible.  It just takes time and consistency. Negative self-talk will stay with you as long as you give it power. You simply need the right tools to fight it.

1) Become more in tune with your inner voice. I’m a huge believer in thought stopping.  As you hear yourself spiraling into the negative, literally say NO out load, stop the thought and immediately say 3 positive affirmations about yourself. For some reason, saying it out load actually makes you feel better and helps you realize how often you think negative thoughts.  If we are lucky, the number of negative thoughts become fewer day after day.  Envision the saboteur getting smaller and weaker. Don’t let the saboteur ever win.

2) I also like the idea of turning negative self-talk first into neutral self-talk. This gets you one step closer to positive self-talk and can be easier to do if the negative self-talk is strong when you first start these exercises. The saboteur loves mental complaining, she feeds off it. Don’t give her the satisfaction.  No more “I can’t” but how about “I will try.” If a friend cancels on you, neutral self-talk says “What should I now do with that free time?” If  you don’t get everything accomplished on your to-do-list, neutral self-talk doesn’t beat you up but says, “Maybe I can finish this list tomorrow.”  No complaining allowed, only neutral thoughts.  It takes time to recalibrate your thinking, but it can happen.

3) Another suggestion is to keep a journal and write down all the ways in which you consistently find yourself self-sabotaging. Put it right there out in the open for you to see; it takes the power away for the saboteur. Next, you need to add to each of those self sabotaging actions what positive or neutral actions/thoughts would look like. So the next time you find yourself self sabotaging in that exact manner, you can carry out the healthy plan of action that you already identified in the journal. The key is follow through.

4) ALWAYS surround yourself with people who truly love and support you. Stay away from negative people, they will only bring you down further.  Your saboteur loves negative people because having them around only reinforces their presence. If you find yourself with negative people, envision a shield protecting you and their thoughts simply bouncing off.  Visualization is an effective and powerful tool.

 

The Power of Peer Pressure

Posted in Articles for Parents, General Health by

Whose disapproval is hardest to take for a teen: A parent, friend or teacher?

It’s probably no surprise that teens rate their friend’s and classmates disapproval as most difficult to take; however, it may surprise you that behind friends, a far second would be their teachers and in last place are mom and dad.

Disapproval by their friends and classmates will be avoided at any cost. This is where peer pressure can come into play if they do not have a strong sense of self (healthy self-esteem). It also indicates that the classroom is a micro-society for boys and girls where peer influence is heavily weighted. This can be a huge challenge for many young people since a large portion of their day is spent at school. Let’s not forget the 17-year-old boy who recently jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge while on a school field trip. The authorities are speculating that he did it on a “dare” from classmates. If that turns out to be the case, this act shows the power and magnitude of peer pressure among our young people. To combat those pressures, self-esteem must be built up and nurtured by family and friends early on. Support systems must also be in place to continually foster their self-esteem as they grow.

Teens, be sure the friends you make have your best interest at heart. A true friend would never put you in harm’s way or make you prove your self-worth by a life threatening act.  They should love, respect and accept you for who you are.  And mom and dad, don’t forget your teens first started learning social queues by observing you and your interactions with friends and family from the time they could crawl.  How you treat people and how you allow people to treat you will rub off on them. Keep this in mind so by the time they are teens and start pushing away from parental advice and approval, they will still carry with them the values and standards they observed in you.

The Psychology Behind Self-Esteem

Posted in Articles for Parents, General Health by

When understanding self-esteem, we have to first look at the psychology behind this concept. For this to happen, we must dive into developmental theory, which helps us design a conceptual framework for self-esteem.

For me, Erik Erikson’s (1963) Theory of Psychosocial Development does just that. He chronicled eight phases of human life exploring how physical changes and environment were linked to the development of self and identity.  He proposed the following stages of psychosocial development as occurring during one’s lifespan.

(a) Trust versus Mistrust

(b) Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt

(c) Initiative versus Guilt

(d) Industry versus Inferiority

(e) Identity versus Role Confusion

(f) Intimacy versus Isolation

(g) Generativity versus Stagnation

(h) Wisdom versus Despair

When looking at self-esteem, we must look at  the 4th stage of psychosocial development, which Erikson referred to as Industry vs. Inferiority as well as his 5th stage of psychosocial development he termed Identity vs. Role Confusion.

So….stage 4 begins at around age six.  This is the point in their life where your children enter school and learn the appropriate norms within a classroom.  They seek out approval from their peers and well as their teachers.  At this stage, children seek success in the form of good grades, mastering classroom directions and obedience.  Girls usually flourish during this stage academically and often develop a strong sense of self. However, during the later years of stage 4, (about age twelve) is when things get complicated.  At this age, many girls begin puberty and they start to develop more sophisticated views of themselves and the opposite sex. A shift in the way they see themselves and how they relate to one another begins to occur. This leads up to the complexities of stage 5.

Gradually, around the age of thirteen children enter stage five of development. According to Erikson, this is the critical period of development where unfortunately self-esteem declines for most adolescents, especially girls. Your child is now knee-deep in puberty, positioned halfway between childhood and adulthood and confused by the changing way they look, feel and think.  At this point, they are primarily concerned with fitting in with their peers and so they start to move away from mom and dad, stretching their independence. They want to make their own decisions at home. They start questioning the world as well as themselves all the while trying to discover a true sense of self.  In order for healthy self-esteem to grow, it’s important that this independence be permitted (obviously, within reason) and the journey encouraged by mom and dad.