Tag Archives: Adolescence

Not a Perfect Ten..but Close. (A Teen Story of Self-Esteem)

Posted in Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image, Self-Esteem by

I am the rare eight out of 10 on a scale of self-esteem. About those missing two points… It’s a visual thing, you know? People tell me, “Oh you have such a great figure!” or, “Oh you have such long legs!” or, “Oh, you’re so skinny!” and part of me believes them. But then I get a bad case of the “yeah buts…”

So I have long legs. Yeah, but… I have hairy arms. I think I get them from my dad, and I hate them so much!  I just want to shave them or wax them or something, but my mom says I’ll just make it worse and that my arms are beautiful the way they are.

So I am skinny. Yeah, but… I am TOO skinny. While some of my classmates starve themselves, I eat to gain weight. But I have a fast metabolism and it never quite works.

So I have a nice figure. Yeah, but… I have NO boobs. The media says I should have BIG boobs. Sometimes I look at other girls and think, Why can’t mine be like that? 

The “yeah buts” keep me from a 10 out of 10.

So where do the “yeah buts” come from? The media, I guess. Think of all the beautiful celebrities: Hourglass figures. Voluminous hair (on their heads and not their arms, of course!). White teeth. Blue eyes. No wrinkles. I know these are unrealistic expectations. I KNOW that. But sometimes I still want to experience what it feels like to have people look at me and think, Wow, she’s perfect! 

Other than the visual thing, I have good self-esteem. I have no idea where it came from. My mom and brother have anger issues and my dad just kind of goes with the flow, you know? I think looking at life positively and surrounding myself with a strong support system of family and friends helps. I try to hang out with positive people too. A lot of girls I used to be friends with were always saying things like, “Oh, I don’t have a boyfriend because this or that is wrong with me,” or, “Oh, I need a boyfriend.” Every conversation. I tried to tell them they were amazing just how they were, but some of them kept complaining. I can’t hang out with them anymore. Listening to them, I started feeling bad about myself too. It was hard, you know?

I don’t just ignore someone if they need help though. Like my friend who was depressed about her weight and contemplating suicide. Oh my God. What do you do when someone tells you that?  I asked her mom and she said she was out of ideas; nothing ever helped. So I got a group of girls together to talk to my friend and make her feel better. We’re not as close anymore, but I think she’s okay now. Another time, I asked a friend why her arm was bleeding, and she said that she cut herself over her boyfriend. I told her it wasn’t worth it; he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth her time. I think she actually stopped for good. It’s just so sad, you know? That a girl would do this because of a boy.

There’s what girls will do because of a boy, but then there’s what they’ll do for a boy, right? I think boys put a lot of pressure on girls sometimes. They’ll say things like, “We’ve been dating a long time now. Things are getting boring so we need to try something new.” Or, “Well, so-and-so would do it,” and then the girl starts to feel bad if they don’t do it too. Or, “That’s the way to show affection if you really love me.” One girl in my school even sexted a naked picture to her boyfriend because he asked for it. Then he showed it to the whole school. Can you imagine? THE WHOLE SCHOOL. I felt so bad for her. It was horrible, just horrible.

I’ve had my run-ins with peer pressure too, what with my great figure and nice legs and all. Like the time I was dating this guy for only two weeks, and out of nowhere, he asked me for a blow job! Can you believe it? I told him he was crazy. And, he had texted it to me! That’s just CRAZY, right? I was like, “I don’t even know you!” I broke up with him the next day.

I am seventeen. I am a senior. I am 100% Mexican. I am more artistic than scholarly. I run track and go to work. I am an eight out of 10. Yeah, but…

Yeah, but… I would really like those other two points.

How Volunteering Leads to Higher Self-Esteem

Posted in Self-Esteem by

Many teens today do have healthy self-esteem.  I find teens that engage in one of 3 specific activities to have the highest self-esteem and the most positive self-regard. Theses activities center around doing for others and/or have a higher purpose beyond self.

1) Working— Having a job can be a powerful tool to build one’s self-esteem.  It promotes responsibility, dependability, people (depending on the job) look to you for help or information and the reward is the power of knowledge and ultimately a pay check.  I remember one teen telling me that she loved her job at a scarf shop because people were always asking her advise on colors and styles and sometimes buying the scarfs that she picked out.  It made her feel important and valued, which boosted her self-esteem.

2) Volunteering—Teens that volunteer and move beyond their comfort zone, see how much they really do have. They gain a healthy perspective on their life and reflect on how fortune they are. Some teens with the highest self-esteem engage in volunteer activities with a parent.  It becomes “their thing” to do weekly or one saturday a month.  It leads to real conversations about the world, life, happiness and the importance of charity. My hat goes off to all the mom’s and dad’s who engage in volunteer activities with their children.  It pays off more than you realize.  You are raising compassionate, giving, well-adjusted teens, who lead by your example. Remember, long-term consistency is key here.

3) Playing a Sport– Teens that are trained athletes and/or play on sports teams tend to have higher self-esteem.  There is something very powerful in pushing oneself further that you expect you can go to realize what you’re made of.  The concept of being part of a team and striving toward something together creates a sense of belonging and pride, kind of like a family. You have others counting on you, expecting you to give your all for the good of the team. It becomes much more than physical fitness or ability, it leads to mental and emotional growth as well. Looking beyond yourself for the good of the team strengthens maturity, confidence and  self-esteem.

What do Teens Think About Self-Respect?

Posted in General Health, Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image, Self-Esteem by

 Another term we could use instead of self-respect would be pride. So what does it mean to have self-respect or pride in oneself?

Teens sometimes have difficulty with the concept of self-respect because they tie it to closely to acceptance by their peers.  They truly believe that their friends have their best interest in mind, but sometimes we see that is not always the case.  True friends love us for who we are, help us through difficult times, and even talk us out of making mistakes.  They would never put us in harms way for the sake of popularity or make us the butt of a joke for a cheap laugh.  Sometimes teens confuse authentic friendships as well as intimate relationships with those that can actually be quite damaging.  If you ask a teen to define self-respect, most of them can. However, they have a difficult time turning those words into action.  They don’t understand what self-respect looks like in practice or action. In my book, Girl Talk, I  talk to teens about their views on self-respect, what it really is and where they think they themselves or other teens go wrong in relation to this concept. Also, I explore and provide teens as well as parents with concrete examples of authentic relationships, healthy self-respect in action and ways to improve it.