Category Archives: Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image

Hi Everyone, This section of the blog will be dedicated to the progress I make on my book “Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image.” It may at times read like a “Dear Diary” as I share with you all some of the highlights from my interviews with the teen girls I meet and share with you some of their thoughts and feelings as they relate to self-esteem. I am so fortunate to be working with many high schools and teens in San Francisco on my research for this book. Every school culture is different. So as you can imagine, so are the thoughts and feelings of the girls that I interview. I hope for this book to be about their journey through high school and many of the obstacles, and in some cases difficult challenges that they face as teens.

Why Sarah Cuts. (The ugly side of low self-esteem)

Posted in Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image, Self-Esteem by


My interview with a 16 year old cutter.

She is a 16 year old girl with the lowest self-reported self-esteem of any girl I interviewed for my book.  She had tears in her eyes the entire interview and she nearly broke my heart. I found myself struggling between interviewing her and counseling her. She didn’t see herself as smart or pretty, good at sports or anything else really. She suffers from a very bad case of negative self-talk that’s alive and well living inside her. She told me that whatever she does, she hears an inner voice telling her she isn’t good enough and to quit, which she does every time. Because of this, she can’t stick to anything long enough to get good at it, experience success and then build confidence. This is a huge factor contributing to her very low self-esteem.  It has a paralyzing effect on her and has perpetuated an unnatural fear in her for anything new. She says her friends are starting to get tired of her negative attitude and they think that she is constantly fishing for compliments. She is pushing her friends away, which makes her inner voice (or saboteur) very happy. We talked about how she was bullied in middle school for being over weight, having braces and wearing glasses… all at the same time. She has never fully recovered from the way she was treated back then, even though she has blossomed into a beauty swan. She acquired an eating disorder freshman year of high school and based on our conversation, it seems that she still struggles with anorexia. She still sees that girl from middle school when she looks in the mirror and still hears the kids calling her names. More upsetting is the cutting. She told me that she “used to cut” herself, as a way to deal with stress in her life and probably because of the self hate. In her words, it’s a way to release stress and anger. Not to mention, the inner saboteur tells her to do it. She doesn’t have a close relationship with her mother and feels it’s partially her mom’s fault for her being bullied in middle school.  She feels her mom is the direct reason why she was overweight. In addition, they fight about school work. In her words, homework seems more important to Sarah than it does to her mother. The more mom pushes her to join the family, the more this teen pulls away.  Sarah is looking for independence, but is being challenged with family pressure to be  more like them. These pressures lead to more cutting. Getting good grades seems to be the only way she feels good about herself right now, although it’s generally fleeting. Her mom doesn’t understand the sadness and negative thoughts that circle her mind, so Sarah has stopped trying to tell her about them. This is a difficult relationship brewing between mother and daughter that is far from over.

What do Teens Think About Self-Respect?

Posted in General Health, Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image, Self-Esteem by

 Another term we could use instead of self-respect would be pride. So what does it mean to have self-respect or pride in oneself?

Teens sometimes have difficulty with the concept of self-respect because they tie it to closely to acceptance by their peers.  They truly believe that their friends have their best interest in mind, but sometimes we see that is not always the case.  True friends love us for who we are, help us through difficult times, and even talk us out of making mistakes.  They would never put us in harms way for the sake of popularity or make us the butt of a joke for a cheap laugh.  Sometimes teens confuse authentic friendships as well as intimate relationships with those that can actually be quite damaging.  If you ask a teen to define self-respect, most of them can. However, they have a difficult time turning those words into action.  They don’t understand what self-respect looks like in practice or action. In my book, Girl Talk, I  talk to teens about their views on self-respect, what it really is and where they think they themselves or other teens go wrong in relation to this concept. Also, I explore and provide teens as well as parents with concrete examples of authentic relationships, healthy self-respect in action and ways to improve it.

The Truth Behind Teen Dating Violence

Posted in Articles for Parents, Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image by

My interview with a victim of teen dating violence.

Georgia is 16 years olds; into image, popularity and being cool.  She told me that she is probably considered a bully, but she “only speaks the truth to freshman and sophomore.”  She sees herself as helping them fit in better, which means conforming to the culture at this particular school. She said that the only way to survive is to bully or you become the bullied. Never show weakness is her motto. She has an identified clique that she hangs out with and they police each other heavily on what they say, dress, who they date, and where they go to “be seen.”  She doesn’t hang out with ugly people and only dates the popular boys. She likes to portray an air of confidence everywhere she goes. She says that she will never admit that she’s not good at everything. She says that her mom is definitely a tiger mom and that she is tough on her. Her mom is her role model. Her friends are tough on her as well, but she expects that because she is hard on them. She said that she judges people all the time and assumes they judge her as well. In her words “it’s part of life.”  We talked about how eating disorder are common among the girls she knows and how her best friend suffers from depression.  She told me that she sees a therapist weekly and began to explain her situation.  This is when she became very real to me in the interview and allowed herself to be vulnerable.  She talked about dating violence and how she was dating someone for 8 months that was abusive. She said that her therapist encourages her to talk about it now because her experience doesn’t define her, it’s simply something that happened to her.  Apparently, he was a popular boy at another school and they quickly became the “it couple.” She says that peer pressure really made her date him, but quickly image and perception made her stay.  She never told anyone that he was abusive because she was embarrassed and didn’t want her friends to know that things weren’t perfect. So, she stayed in the relationship and told her friends that everything was great.  The first time the abuse occurred, he pushed her down a flight of stairs. She told herself that it was a fluke/an accident because she was in shock by the situation and he apologized. He would follow the typical cycle of verbal and physical abuse then apologize profusely with gifts and flowers so she forgave him over and over. The last straw was when he held a broken bottle to her face for no reason.  She said that she went numb, “died a little” and can’t remember much of what happened next. She called her mom to come get her and finally told her about the abuse.  Her mom blames herself for not paying closer attention to the relationship and Georgia is still recovering. Her self-esteem has been hit a very big blow, but she is slowly on the mend. She still gets scared if a boy shows interest in her, but she feels that therapy is helping. She worries that maybe violence is what her future holds for her in relation to dating. This situation has completely skewed how she sees boys. Right now, she is completely confused by what a healthy relationship looks like.