I am originally from Eastern Europe. I came to America 7 years ago. I was bullied and emotionally tortured by the popular kids in my classes. This affected my self-esteem and my mental health already shaken by genetics (my mother suffered with anxiety and agoraphobia.) At 16 years old, I developed a severe case of generalized anxiety and depression. There was not much help for those bearing mental struggles, only strong sedatives.
I wish I could have been able to see a trained therapist and talk about my feelings at school with a school counselor. I wished at that time, that the Principal would listen and act against the bullies. It did not happen. I felt very lonely through it all. I promised myself to somehow see that no student feels this way in the future.
This is an excerpt from my diary during the high school years. I was bullied daily. What’s really sad is that my self-esteem was so bad. I truly believed that I am worthless. I was convinced that I deserve to be teased that way. I felt that it is my fault that THEY laughed at me! I was mad at myself for not having the will power to lose weight.
Wed., May 15th
Dear diary, New nick name
I am in the bathroom eating my lunch. Lately, this is the only place I can eat. Why? Simply stated: How can I eat this huge sandwich that can hardly fit into my mouth and not get teased? Also, today I have in my lunch 2 croissants filled with chocolate and 2 candy bars. It’s totally my fault! Someone like me should bring no lunch, or maybe some veggies and fruit.
Yesterday THEY gave me a new nick name. I’m not “The Whale” anymore. I guess they got bored calling me “Whale” so I take it as a promotion. My new nick name is “Miss Piggy.” The one who called me that first, was “kind” enough to give me the explanation, as well.
He said: “Obviously Miss Piggy is fat, just like you. She has the thick, blond and fluffy hair, he said, the chubby nose, and when she laughs she throws her head on the back just like you do.” Well, at least now I know where it’s coming from. Honestly, I don’t recall laughing lately in front of THEM. I avoid laughing, because one of THEM told me that when I laugh my double chin wiggles. I got home that day and looked in the mirror. I pretended to laugh, while watching my double chin do that little dance. My 85-year-old grandmother thought I lost it. She asked me to stop laughing in the mirror or she will call my parents at work. I stopped.
Thursday, May, 16th
My life sucks!
Yesterday while I was in the bathroom, devouring my second croissant some girl from my class asked me why I’m eating there. I told her the truth…as if it wasn’t obvious…she rushed out and a few minutes later 2 guys crushed into the girl’s bathroom and took a picture of me stuffing my face. I wonder what they are going to do with the picture?
I want to disappear. I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to become invisible. Some people complain about being “invisible.” Well, for me that would be the cure for my disease.
Monday (no date)
I am on the bus on the way to school. I have that weird feeling in my stomach, that feeling you get when you sense something will go wrong.
Later that day…
I can’t believe it! Pictures of me eating in the bathroom are everywhere. On the picture it is written with sharpie: Miss Piggy eating in the stinky bathroom…gross!
I feel like I want to run, but where am I going to run? It is all my fault! If I would be skinny they would not treat me this way!