Category Archives: Self-Esteem

Teens and Body Image- Why we Don’t Always Like What we see in the Mirror

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Body dysmorphic disorder is defined by the Mayo Clinic as a type of chronic mental illness where you can’t stop thinking about a flaw in your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don’t want to be seen by anyone. So, let me say that again in teen language. You think some part of your body is so hideous that you need to hide it constantly, obsess about it, and stare at it all the time.

Don’t get me wrong, all teens are concerned with the way they look. That’s just part of being a teen. Now, don’t confuse being a “typical” teen with having body dysmorphia. When a teen struggles with body dysmorphia, s/he focuses in on one or two particular parts of their body and obsesses over that area specifically on a constant basis. Like, “My nose is so crooked, I can’t go out in public!” Or, “My feet are huge, I could never wear those shoes!”  Usually, in these cases your friends will not understand what you are talking about because they don’t see it.  This can cause you to feel even more alone because no one sees what you see when they look in the mirror.

I’ve encountered many teens who have shared with me stories of their own body dysmorphia. For example, some can rationally identify that their present weight isn’t considered clinically overweight; however, their brains still tell them that they are obese. Some will honestly look in the mirror and still see that young girl who was overweight, or had braces, bad acne or glasses (usually in 4th, 5th or sixth-grade.)

One factor that always seems to go along with body dysmorphia is name-calling or teasing.  You were probably sensitive to your weight, the braces or being taller than the rest of the class and a bullied honed in on that.  The experience was traumatizing and you were never able to let it go. Being so young, you wouldn’t have the tools to deal with those feelings and most kids don’t tell their parents either, which is a huge mistake. Parents can help you process the experience and give you advice or tools to deal with the teasing and to let it go. Unfortunately, many teens carry the painful scars from being teased into high school.  Although in present-day, they know that they are not overweight, those nicknames still stick in their heads. The trauma from being teased doesn’t just go away and when they look in the mirror they still see their overweight self from a painful time.

I’ve never agreed with the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me.” I’ve seen the opposite. Damaging name-calling that carries over to the teenage years.  Names that teens can’t get out of their heads and hear over and over like a broken record.  Some start to believe the name-calling and see themselves in a negative light.  Many teens have told me, that although they’ve lost the weight and the name-calling was years ago, they are still waiting for it to happen again. They walk down the halls in high school feeling like a fraud.  Scared that those names will come back to haunt them because maybe they deserve it. To me, that’s much more painful than breaking a bone because when you break a bone, you set it and it heals. For some of these teens, since the scars aren’t visible, no one else sees the pain, and they didn’t know how to release it to heal.  One thing is clear, if they don’t deal with the root of the problem the pain will remain and they will continue to be challenged every time they look in the mirror.

Waking up with a Positive Attitude Every Day

Posted in General Health, Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image, Self-Esteem by

Waking up with a positive attitude really can make or break your day. But not all is lost if you wake up feeling nervous, anxious, or sad for no reason. You just need to know how to turn it around. Similar to how you dealt with a saboteur in an earlier post, practice positive thinking for three to five minutes before you get out of bed.  Keep your eyes closed and remain calm– breathing in and out. You need to tell yourself, “Today is going to be a good day. I am going to have fun with my friends. School is going to be okay,” and so forth.  You have to consistently manage the negative attitude, get out of bed with a clear head, and start the day in a positive space (or at least moving in that direction).  I know this may sound strange, but don’t think too much. Stop constantly second-guessing, questioning, and wondering.  I know blocking out the negative can be exhausting, but what’s the alternative? Being depressed, sad, or angry?  Think of all the energy you waste dwelling on those feelings.

Set yourself up for success before you go to bed.  Have your alarm set to play your favorite song so you wake up in a comfortable space. Or, have a photo of you and your best friends by the bed, something that makes you feel warm or happy. (I’d rather wake up looking at that instead of a bunch of schoolbooks sprawled across the floor.)  Look to that photo first thing in the morning when you wake up. Or maybe it’s a trophy in your room that makes you feel confident or a special ribbon on your wall. Anything that reminds you that you are talented, confident, appreciated and loved will work.

Why the Father-Daughter Relationship is Critical for Self-Esteem

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A healthy father-daughter relationship is key for developing positive self-esteem. For all little girls, dad is the first male figure in her life….numero uno. He and mom are everything; they become the child’s world. If that relationship between father and daughter is strained at an early age it can make for a lifetime of internal challenges and struggles with the opposite sex. This powerful relationship between father and daughter begins around age 2 and lasts a lifetime, but the critical (formative years) are ages 2 through 4.  The basic questions that go along with development at this age are: Is it ok to be me?  Am I free to explore, to experiment with my new environment and enjoy the things I gravitate toward?

If mom and dad allow the child to be self-sufficient, to explore, and be repetitive in her actions, then she will grow with a sense of autonomy.  She will also learn to understand that parents are there as a united force of safety and security.  If dad demands too much of the child at this age, ignores her new skills and doesn’t allow them to be exercised repetitively, then mastering her environment cannot occur and she can develop self-doubt. This self-doubt can seep into how she sees herself and limits her actions moving forward as she grows older.  Statements like “I can’t try out for the school play. I can’t run fast. I can’t enter the spelling B” may be heard in the home. This leads to second guessing her actions and can slowly turn into low self-esteem. Parents can mislabel her as “just shy” or “cautious” when she is neither.  She is looking for signs of approval or disapproval from her parents instead of exploring new things freely. There is no curiosity in the child, no experimentation…. just rules she has learned. This can be exhausting.

If not dealt with, these issues will consistently resurface well into adulthood. We will continually play out our role from childhood if we don’t see and correct the negative patterns.  Dads encourage your daughters at a young age to try new things, cheer them on, allow them to make mistakes. Offer advice when asked, look her in the eyes when talking to her, be patient when teaching new things and lend a supportive shoulder for her to cry on.  Find something that just the two of you can do together.  Don’t make fun of the father-daughter dance…GO!  Find something that is special and meaningful like working on a project together for a few hours every Sunday. Try cooking dinner together one day a week, hiking, taking a drive to the beach, or playing a game of basketball after dinner.  The options are endless. It’s never too late to start this supportive pattern and I guarantee your daughter will look forward to it. Remember to let her be part of the suggestion and selection process too!

Women who grew up with positive relationships with their fathers (and mothers) feel confident, choose appropriate partners, respond to situations in emotionally healthy ways and can have meaningful relationships with both men and women.  We are truly a product of our environment. Dads, the best gift you can give your daughters is the gift of respect.  Showing her and her mother respect consistently in your actions and with your words is incredibly powerful and sets the standard for how she feels she should be treated by other men. You have the power to put a healthy pattern in motion that lasts a lifetime. The old saying “girls marry their fathers” is true. Regardless if the relationship was positive or negative, we are human and gravitate towards what’s comfortable and familiar to us. There’s no bigger job and title than dad, and none more rewarding.