Category Archives: Articles for Parents

Hi Mom and Dad! This section is for you. I’ll post useful advise and helpful tips for understanding what your teen is going through.

Helicopter Parents-Please Give Your Kids Some Room

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I know this may be an unpopular statement to make, but parents you must give your children room to breathe!

Every Saturday at my gym there is a karate class right next to where I work out. Weekly, I watch all these adorable children (probably between the ages of 5-9) go to class. I watch parents file their children in and hand them over to one of the instructors and then leave. However, time and time again, I watch this one mother go ahead into the classroom with her child, sit herself down, and stay for the entire karate lesson.  I’m not quite sure why she thinks this would benefit the child because it’s clear to me and probably anybody else watching that this is not the best idea.  The child does not spend his time watching the instructors, but rather his mother. He really  isn’t paying attention to the movements/forms or connecting with the other children.  The child looks over to his mother constantly for approval and his skills are not where they should be in relation to the rest of the children in the class. Why? Because he’s torn between instructor and mother and at this young age, mother will always win. He’s afraid to disappoint mom and therefore doesn’t take any age appropriate risks. Risks which are critical for healthy growth. We are talking about the fourth stage of  psychological development called “Industry vs Inferiority.”  Erikson coined this period as a time when the child must deal with demands to learn new skills or risk a sense of incompetence.  I’m sure this is not with the mother intends; however, I don’t know how she cannot see the distress on her child’s face as he keeps looking to her with every move he makes.

Parents, let your children develop a sense of independence.  There is nothing wrong with sitting on the sideline watching, but please no hovering. Remember, you are already larger than life to your child so please give them room to breathe if you want them to grow into independent, autonomous teens with healthy self-esteem.

The Power of Peer Pressure

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Whose disapproval is hardest to take for a teen: A parent, friend or teacher?

It’s probably no surprise that teens rate their friend’s and classmates disapproval as most difficult to take; however, it may surprise you that behind friends, a far second would be their teachers and in last place are mom and dad.

Disapproval by their friends and classmates will be avoided at any cost. This is where peer pressure can come into play if they do not have a strong sense of self (healthy self-esteem). It also indicates that the classroom is a micro-society for boys and girls where peer influence is heavily weighted. This can be a huge challenge for many young people since a large portion of their day is spent at school. Let’s not forget the 17-year-old boy who recently jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge while on a school field trip. The authorities are speculating that he did it on a “dare” from classmates. If that turns out to be the case, this act shows the power and magnitude of peer pressure among our young people. To combat those pressures, self-esteem must be built up and nurtured by family and friends early on. Support systems must also be in place to continually foster their self-esteem as they grow.

Teens, be sure the friends you make have your best interest at heart. A true friend would never put you in harm’s way or make you prove your self-worth by a life threatening act.  They should love, respect and accept you for who you are.  And mom and dad, don’t forget your teens first started learning social queues by observing you and your interactions with friends and family from the time they could crawl.  How you treat people and how you allow people to treat you will rub off on them. Keep this in mind so by the time they are teens and start pushing away from parental advice and approval, they will still carry with them the values and standards they observed in you.

The Psychology Behind Self-Esteem

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When understanding self-esteem, we have to first look at the psychology behind this concept. For this to happen, we must dive into developmental theory, which helps us design a conceptual framework for self-esteem.

For me, Erik Erikson’s (1963) Theory of Psychosocial Development does just that. He chronicled eight phases of human life exploring how physical changes and environment were linked to the development of self and identity.  He proposed the following stages of psychosocial development as occurring during one’s lifespan.

(a) Trust versus Mistrust

(b) Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt

(c) Initiative versus Guilt

(d) Industry versus Inferiority

(e) Identity versus Role Confusion

(f) Intimacy versus Isolation

(g) Generativity versus Stagnation

(h) Wisdom versus Despair

When looking at self-esteem, we must look at  the 4th stage of psychosocial development, which Erikson referred to as Industry vs. Inferiority as well as his 5th stage of psychosocial development he termed Identity vs. Role Confusion.

So….stage 4 begins at around age six.  This is the point in their life where your children enter school and learn the appropriate norms within a classroom.  They seek out approval from their peers and well as their teachers.  At this stage, children seek success in the form of good grades, mastering classroom directions and obedience.  Girls usually flourish during this stage academically and often develop a strong sense of self. However, during the later years of stage 4, (about age twelve) is when things get complicated.  At this age, many girls begin puberty and they start to develop more sophisticated views of themselves and the opposite sex. A shift in the way they see themselves and how they relate to one another begins to occur. This leads up to the complexities of stage 5.

Gradually, around the age of thirteen children enter stage five of development. According to Erikson, this is the critical period of development where unfortunately self-esteem declines for most adolescents, especially girls. Your child is now knee-deep in puberty, positioned halfway between childhood and adulthood and confused by the changing way they look, feel and think.  At this point, they are primarily concerned with fitting in with their peers and so they start to move away from mom and dad, stretching their independence. They want to make their own decisions at home. They start questioning the world as well as themselves all the while trying to discover a true sense of self.  In order for healthy self-esteem to grow, it’s important that this independence be permitted (obviously, within reason) and the journey encouraged by mom and dad.