Teaching teen girls that saying “NO” isn’t a dirty word.

Just say no!”  Do you remember hearing this phrase in the late ’80s and early ’90s? This saying served as the basis for an anti-drug campaign during those years.  It quickly became popular as a response to many things (drugs the least of them) and even a kind of cultural joke.  But if only it were that simple. For girls, this word is often clouded by invisible pressures relating to what they ought to do or ought to be, eclipsing their own desires.  Saying “no” can mean a girl is refusing societal expectations and voicing what she wants, and it can be very hard, but girls need to learn early on this is something they can do.

When girls believe they must attend to everyone else’s needs before their own, their self-esteem suffers.  Stephen Hinshaw writes in his book The Triple Bind that girls now feel compelled to be all things to everyone – attractive, sexy, smart, athletic — and hearing that there are “no more barriers” for girls only exacerbates the pressures they feel, mostly because this isn’t true.  Yet, if parents and girls believe not just that they can do anything, but they should do everything, a girl’s individual needs gets buried at the bottom of a long pile of expectations.  Girls live in “response mode,” not listening to their own voices and not prioritizing what they really want versus what others want for them or what they think they must do to be appreciated and noticed.

Saying “no” means exercising one’s voice – literally, by speaking the word, but also figuratively by being in touch with one’s own will and speaking out against what someone else imposes.  For a girl, saying “no” can mean standing up to her parents and risking punishment.  Saying “no” can mean confronting peer pressure and feeling shunned.  Saying “no” can mean refusing a boyfriend’s requests and risking a relationship.  But it can mean a giant step forward in prioritizing her needs and it also means practice with building leadership skills.  It can help set the stage to becoming a woman who is assertive, confident, and knows how to hone in on what she most desires from the pile of expectations heaped upon her. 
Girls need to start to understand that “no” is not a dirty word when they are young.  By assuring them that voicing their wishes respectfully won’t have repercussions girls gain in self-esteem and a stronger sense of individuality.  Give girls examples of how saying “no” is actually a productive move.  Parents can encourage girls to understand what their limits are and how to compassionately refuse obligations that are about pleasing others and not themselves.
The woman who complains about needing to be “Superwoman” and having to “do it all” is a cliché – based on many grains of truth.  Girls who can’t say “no” but feel crushing pressure to deny their voices in service of meeting others’ expectations suffer more since they don’t yet know there is another way.  Help girls “just say ‘no'” literally — by allowing them to hear you say it, and articulating why, and by telling them the word “no” actually is a very positive one.

A High School Fantasy Slut League: What Lesson Learned?

It sounded like a game, maybe because it was based on a game.  But what the high school boys who constructed a “fantasy slut league” seem to have missed was that they were “playing” with the idea that it’s okay to evaluate girls — their peers — on their looks, to sexually objectify them, and to demonstrate both the male entitlement and social bullying that accompanies labeling others publicly and “toying” with sexual reputation, particularly through social media.

When the story broke that a group of male athletes at Piedmont High School had constructed a “fantasy slut league” in which points were awarded for “scoring” with draft picks by the end of the school year, it seemed like an opportunity for dialogue about how the language of conquest and braggadocio of sports co-opts boys into learning it’s acceptable to view girls as objects of sexual acquisition and makes girls feel they are culturally valued them for their “hotness” and their use as sexual pawns.

Notably, knowledge of the league did come to light after a student assembly on date rape, implying a student likely came forward, perhaps realizing this falls into the category of coercive or predatory sexual behavior.  Yet, since this activity took place off campus, the school claimed to have little jurisdiction and quickly sought to minimize the story by merely sending a letter home to parents promising more “educational assemblies” and then refusing media queries.  In the letter sent home, superintendent Randall Booker writes that “the league has existed as “part of ‘bonding’ for some Varsity Teams during their seasons of sport” and acknowledges that students, “both male and female” participated “either willingly, under pressure from older students or under social pressures to be popular.”

Despite putting a finger on some of the key issues involved, the school seemed more concerned with shutting down the outrage this story provoked, mentioning that some students were concerned with prioritizing how this news might affect their future college applications. In one article the author writes that administrators are “encouraging visits to the high school’s Wellness Center for any student who want to talk about it confidentially.”  The idea that those affected – likely girls – should be the ones to seek counseling while there was no move to punish those who perpetuated the league and its culture of systemic degradation of girls is appalling.

In an article for The Daily Beast author Lizzie Crocker cites examples of other “leagues” with similar intentions.  She quotes “Tom” as saying, “Ultimately, boys are naughty. It’s in their DNA” — by which he means they are not expected to take responsibility for their actions and are incapable of controlling themselves, a position patriarchal society reinforces with the idea that “girls must be in control” when faced with the feral impulses of their male peers.  This sets up a paradigm that condones predatory behavior and constructs a “blame the victim” argument when girls are harmed.  Rejecting any sort of punishment for the boys involved at Piedmont only reinforces this mindset.

Crocker does point out moments when girls have also sexually objectified boys, quoting one female student who says she didn’t mind being picked and who vehemently rejects the status of “victim.”  What’s missing is a step further in analysis.  Why are girls taught to accept that being ranked for their looks is of value?  Do they realize the ways in which they are complicit within a patriarchal system that co-opts their sexuality for male gain, i.e. the points awarded in the league.  Have these girls truly understood the degree to which they have internalized a system in which they are being used in a game controlled by their male peers?  We still live within a culture where girls learn they are valued for their looks/appearance, and boys are pressured to understand status based on sexual prowess. Could girls feel pressure not to be noted for their brains in class and sense of ambition, but rather their looks?  When secret “slut leagues” circulate within a student population, however covertly or overtly, there is no doubt that the outdated gender expectations reinforced are harmful to girls — and to boys — on all levels.

The Importance of Inner Confidence for Healthy Living and Self-Esteem

Guest blog by Domonique Chardon

Confidence (n.) a : a feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances. b: faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way.

I grew up in a tough environment, where just “being positive” about anything was not an easy task. My family life was unstable, both of my parents struggled with drug and alcohol addictions and I was extremely poor.  On top of that, I suffered from social anxiety which made me feel awkward and uncomfortable most of the time, like I didn’t fit in or belong. Sometimes I would just lay in bed and cry; cry about my life and why things were the way they were; dreading going to school for fear of running into the wrong person, who might say or do something to me that would ruin my day.  I was sad and depressed and it seemed like no one cared or noticed.

I’m not sure when a change happened, but I started to become very angry at my situation. Mad at the world and everyone around me. I wanted others to hurt like I did. I was looking for anyone to upset me, say something or challenge me; so that I could fight them and take out all the hurt I felt on them. But the anger I felt, had another unintended effect of me: out of anger, I found personal strength to march to my own beat. My angry protest became a battle-cry: I was not going to let the opinions of others bring me down; and if someone tried, I dared them to see what was going to happen if they tried to embarrass or pick on me.  And believe me I had my fair share of bullies and people who seemed to get a kick out of seeing me miserable.

What I didn’t realize is that I was relying on inner confidence.  Having this has allowed me to rise above even the worst of labels and stigmas placed on me by others. Words hurt, I cannot deny that. And unfortunately, there will always be people who will try to hurt you with their words; but I have found that you can destroy them silently with a powerful surety and inner confidence. A mental determination in which you declare that YOU ARE the master of your destiny, YOU ARE NOT what others deem you to be. Knowing this has given me not only the strength to get through difficult times, but also a personal satisfaction.

It wasn’t easy – it took a great deal of mental conditioning to get to a point where I didn’t respond with my emotions or my fists. What I realized is that life wouldn’t always be difficult, that happiness started with me. As long as I was content with the decisions I made, I didn’t owe anyone anything.  Without even knowing I was developing my inner confidence.  Although some tend may think being confident means being arrogant, boastful or conceited; I believe inner confidence means being brave and strong. It means having the ability to make my own decisions, and to test my boundaries and limits when I chose to.

Having inner confidence has been a great help to me on my personal journey and I hope it can be to you as well.

Domonique Chardon is a Bay Area Area native, young professional, aspiring writer, and spiritual being having a human experience.  Follow Domonique @domonique_007.