Category Archives: Articles for Parents

Hi Mom and Dad! This section is for you. I’ll post useful advise and helpful tips for understanding what your teen is going through.

Helping Your Teen Choose the Right College

Posted in Articles for Parents, College Guidance, Tip of the Week by

Having worked in higher education for 17 years, people are always asking me: “What do you consider to be the most important factor for students to consider when making their final college choice?”  I don’t think I can ultimately narrow that decision down to one factor, but I can narrow it down to the top 2 most important factors. I call these factors fit and finances.

When I say fit, I’m referring to the school matching your initial criteria that was important to you at the beginning of your search. Some of these factors may have been proximity to home, size of campus, your major as well as campus facilities. Fit also includes those unknown factors that you only discovered once you’re able to see the college campuses, talk to the students as well as the staff.  Sometimes, when we walk on a campus there are these unknown factors that end up being just as important. Such as, how helpful or accommodating are the administrative offices such as financial aid and the registrar. Or, how approachable are the faculty in your major and do they have flexible office hours. Lastly, there are also those intangibles such as the “feel” of the campus. (i.e. How happy are the students and are they fully engaged with the campus?) The  “feel” of the campus can come from your gut and sometimes it can’t be explained, but college campus either gives you a good feeling, no feeling, or a bad feelings. Always listen to what your gut is telling you when making that final decision along with the other criteria mentioned above.

The 2nd factor I refer to is finances. There’s nothing worse than a student attending the college of his/her dreams only to find out during their sophomore or junior year that the school is too expensive for them and/or their parents to afford so they need to transfer elsewhere. Be well aware prior to accepting your number #1 college choice, of all the costs associated with attending that institution. If financial aid, grants and loans still don’t put a dent in the tuition, meal plan and housing costs then the school is just too expensive for you to afford. This is where parental guidance can be critical because  as an 18 or 19-year-old wanting to go off to college sometimes their heart can overrule their head. Parents need to help ground their children and help them understanding the costs associated with higher education. Also, parents and students need to remember that sometimes grants and scholarships guaranteed during freshman year may or may not be guaranteed for the remaining 3 years. I recommend using a spreadsheet or a wipe board for plotting out the pros and cons of your top choices. Again, always keeping in mind fit as well as finances.

Easy Steps to RAISE Your Self-Esteem

Posted in Articles for Parents, General Health by
  • R – Resilience
  • A – Attitude/Adaptability
  • I – Independence
  • S – Self-respect
  • E – Empowerment

For many of us, we have daily struggles at home, at work, as well as in our social lives. For adults, managing many of these relationships can be difficult. Now imagine yourself as a 15-year-old girl trying to maneuver the landscape of her everyday life.  Without tools, strategies, or resources this is nearly impossible.  Having counseled and interviewed hundreds of teen girls, I designed  a system to help them combat these challenges. I created my system to RAISE  their self-esteem. RAISE stands for: Resilience, Attitude, Independence, Self-Respect and Empowerment. Being more conscious of these terms, their meanings and their connection as a whole is critical for forming positive relationships as well as a healthy sense of self.  I see RAISE as a toolkit for self-esteem. Once young women can differentiate among these tools and know how to use them, I truly believe they will be on their way to healthier living.

Resilience (Or self perseverance) is a great defense against peer pressure.

It’s probably no surprise that teens rate their friend’s and classmates disapproval as most difficult to take; however, it may surprise you that behind friends, a far second would be their teachers and in last place are mom and dad. Disapproval by their friends and classmates will be avoided at any cost.  This is where peer pressure can come into play if they do not have a strong sense of self (healthy self-esteem).  To combat those pressures, resilience must be built up and nurtured by family and friends early on. Support systems must also be in place to continually foster their self-esteem as they grow.

Attitude– Having a positive attitude will always enhance your self-esteem.

Developmentally, the teen years are extremely complex.  Dynamics among friendships start to shift, extreme self-awareness takes hold, not to mention identity development mixed with puberty.  Throne together this is a concoction waiting for disaster.  Teen girls deal with these changes in many ways.  Some become moody, some find themselves crying over big and small issues, some begin to challenge their parents, and many express feeling sad or depressed for no reason.  That can be a very scary experience which causes extreme confusion.  Staying mentally fit with a positive attitude is key.  My technique offer suggestions and guidance on ways to build and keep up a positive attitude.

Independence- Physical activity, sports, hard work and encouragement can foster independence.

Teens must be encouraged to take on challenges big or small and need praise for their successes and understanding for their defeats.  Sports or other forms of physical activity are perfect for pushing them forward in their independence.  However, this is also where their self-esteem will be tested.  Encourage them to keep going and ultimately they will grow strong, trust in themselves and look inward for approval.  This is the pinnacle of independence.  There is something very powerful in pushing oneself further that you expect you can go to really make you realize what you are made of.  Also, trying a new physical challenge can be a huge confidence builder.  Through RAISE, I will share the benefits of these activities and how they relate to a sense of independence and ultimately positive self-esteem.

Self-Respect– Knowing and approving of yourself is key to healthy self-esteem.

Another term we could use here would be pride. Teens sometimes have difficulty with this concept because they tie it to closely to acceptance by their peers.  Sometimes teens confuse authentic friendships as well as intimate relationships with those that can actually be quite damaging.  If you ask a teen to define self-respect, most of them can. However, they have a difficult time turning those words into action. They don’t understand what self-respect looks like in practice.   My technique can show them what self-respect looks like in action. By talking to teens, I understand their views on self-respect and where they think they or other teens go wrong.  I give concrete examples of authentic relationships and self-respect.

Empowerment (or Encouragement)

Family can be another factor which may contribute to the rise or fall of positive self-esteem.  A family can be the typical structure we see on television with 2 parents, siblings, as well as extended family. However, not everyone comes from that structure, so I define family as that group of people who authentically love, protect, and care about your well-being.  Now, when looking at the typical family unit, messaging by parents is often a powerful tool for building self-esteem.  Children who feel heard by their parents and empowered perceive themselves as important to the make up of the family and tend to have more positive self-esteem.  In addition, adolescents who feel well liked by their parents, also tend to have higher self-esteem.  Children who hear positive affirmations that they are pretty, smart, or good athletes tend to have higher self-esteem as well.  Language in the home can have a direct impact on the formation of healthy adolescent self-esteem. Friends, teachers, coaches and supervisors can also be part of the family unit and play critical roles in fostering  teen empowerment.

The Truth Behind Teen Dating Violence

Posted in Articles for Parents, Girl Talk: Boys, Bullies and Body Image by

My interview with a victim of teen dating violence.

Georgia is 16 years olds; into image, popularity and being cool.  She told me that she is probably considered a bully, but she “only speaks the truth to freshman and sophomore.”  She sees herself as helping them fit in better, which means conforming to the culture at this particular school. She said that the only way to survive is to bully or you become the bullied. Never show weakness is her motto. She has an identified clique that she hangs out with and they police each other heavily on what they say, dress, who they date, and where they go to “be seen.”  She doesn’t hang out with ugly people and only dates the popular boys. She likes to portray an air of confidence everywhere she goes. She says that she will never admit that she’s not good at everything. She says that her mom is definitely a tiger mom and that she is tough on her. Her mom is her role model. Her friends are tough on her as well, but she expects that because she is hard on them. She said that she judges people all the time and assumes they judge her as well. In her words “it’s part of life.”  We talked about how eating disorder are common among the girls she knows and how her best friend suffers from depression.  She told me that she sees a therapist weekly and began to explain her situation.  This is when she became very real to me in the interview and allowed herself to be vulnerable.  She talked about dating violence and how she was dating someone for 8 months that was abusive. She said that her therapist encourages her to talk about it now because her experience doesn’t define her, it’s simply something that happened to her.  Apparently, he was a popular boy at another school and they quickly became the “it couple.” She says that peer pressure really made her date him, but quickly image and perception made her stay.  She never told anyone that he was abusive because she was embarrassed and didn’t want her friends to know that things weren’t perfect. So, she stayed in the relationship and told her friends that everything was great.  The first time the abuse occurred, he pushed her down a flight of stairs. She told herself that it was a fluke/an accident because she was in shock by the situation and he apologized. He would follow the typical cycle of verbal and physical abuse then apologize profusely with gifts and flowers so she forgave him over and over. The last straw was when he held a broken bottle to her face for no reason.  She said that she went numb, “died a little” and can’t remember much of what happened next. She called her mom to come get her and finally told her about the abuse.  Her mom blames herself for not paying closer attention to the relationship and Georgia is still recovering. Her self-esteem has been hit a very big blow, but she is slowly on the mend. She still gets scared if a boy shows interest in her, but she feels that therapy is helping. She worries that maybe violence is what her future holds for her in relation to dating. This situation has completely skewed how she sees boys. Right now, she is completely confused by what a healthy relationship looks like.